Slarm of the Day

Bananas

2007-03-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've never liked bananas but I've decided to eat a bunch of bananas every day until I like them. So far, I think it's working. I don't think they are quite as disgusting anymore. Overall, I've been trying to eat a lot more fruit these days. I've never been much of a fruit person, I've been more of the ice cream and candy bar persuasion for most of my life. I'm still not sure about how to know when fruit is ripe or not or how to pick the best ones from the store, but I'm learning. I've recently added pears to my repertoire.

Halloween Candy

2006-11-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

This was the first Halloween that I lived in a house where the potential existed for trick-or-treaters to come by. I was pretty excited and during the day I bought 90 fun size candybars in various flavors to pass out. However, as night approached, that candy started looking better and better, and I did something despicable. I didn't ever turn on the light outside our house, which as any good trick-or-treater knows, means not to knock on the door. I did this so I could have all that candy to myself. Now I feel horrible (not to mention fat). I need to figure out something to do as penitence. Maybe I'll eat all 90 candy bars at once so that I never want to eat another one again. That might teach me a lesson (or else make me die of heart disease). In other news, please leave a comment about what is the best candy bar and why. My two votes are for the Smores bar and the Take 5. But I would definitely give a lifetime achievement award to the Snickers Bar.

Secret Shame?

2006-08-25T07:27:00.000-06:00

In the 90's, there was a commercial starring a NFL player named Craig "Ironhead" Heyward, who said that it's ok for men to use body wash. Ever since that commercial, I have used body wash in the shower without questioning my masculinity one bit. However, even today, an attitude persists that only girls can use body wash. I just want to reaffirm that it's not girly to use body wash. If a tough guy named "Ironhead" can use it, then why can't a tough guy named "Steelman."
Furthermore, there are some products that have different names depending on which sex is using it. For example, men wear shirts while women wear blouses. Women wear bras and men wear bros. Women use purses and men...well, men should not use purses under any circumstances. The point is that, in the shower, women use a loofah but men use a sponge. Men do not use loofahs. That would be like a man saying he wears a blouse. In conclusion, I'm not ashamed, but proud to use body wash with my sponge.

My Pride

2006-08-21T13:13:00.000-06:00

I've always hated being wrong. Sometimes, when someone tells me that I'm wrong about something, I will argue that I'm right even though in my heart of hearts I know that I'm wrong. I just can't stand admitting my errors to other people. Well, I might have learned my lesson last week.

There is a TV commercial for cars.com in which a car changes colors everytime a gardener gets close to it because someone is inside clicking through car choices on cars.com. Anyway, I first saw this commercial and thought the actor playing the gardener was the actor, Harland Williams, from the movie, Rocketman. My roommate, however, thought that it was an actor named Kevin West, who had been in the movie, Bio-Dome. Our argument became so intense that we decided to put something on the line. By this time, I knew I was absolutely wrong but I couldn't admit it to myself or to my roommates. We put a half pound of Albertson's Chicken Strips on the line, but later that night, we upped the ante to include that the loser would have to climb the 20 foot rope swing in our backyard while stark naked. Needless to say, I emailed cars.com who informed me that I was wrong. So this week I will be climbing a rope naked as a jaybird. I'll publish the pictures in my next blog post.

White Bored

2006-08-03T14:56:00.000-06:00

So, I was hanging out at Target today. I chose Target because Wal-mart is too crowded and dirty and because apparently I'm a mall rat so I'm trying to cut back on my mall attendance. Anyway, that's not the point. While I was wandering around one of my favorite sections, the Office/School Supplies section, I came across a small white board that I thought would be so helpful to have hanging in my room. Upon getting home and unwrapping it, I realized I had no idea what I could ever use the white board for. It seemed so practical at Super Target, but once I got it home I could see that I had been tricked by the little Target Gnomes that whisper in your ear how much you need a certain item until you buy it. So now I have a new white board and i don't know what I can use it for. Does anyone have any suggestions?

"Secret" Poem

2006-08-01T11:53:00.000-06:00

25 soldiers marching in pairs.

Marching with pretty bows in their hairs;
onto the field with the sun all aglow,
nothing at all like GI Joe;
they stop for a drink at the well on the knoll,
hoping they don't fall into the hole,
still wondering who in their group is the mole.

Like a Banshee

2006-07-16T19:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight I decided that the coolest thing to say after anything is "like a banshee." I didn't invent this phrase but I'm taking it over as my own. For example, you go up to someone and say "It's hot like a banshee," or "I'm going to blog like a banshee." Really I have no idea what banshees are apart from their role in Darby O'Gill and the Little People but now I love banshees like a banshee.

A Shell of My Former Self

2006-07-13T21:04:00.000-06:00

Well, it's now July 13 and this is all I have left of my Easter candy. And believe me, I've been eating candy every day since Easter. I think I might shed a tear or two as I bite into my last, luscious, sugary Cadbury Cream Egg, but I will be consoled by the fact that Easter is only 8 months away and now I have a better idea of how much candy I'll have to buy to make it through the entire next year with candy.

Ch-ch-ch-chia!!!

2006-07-07T14:57:00.000-06:00

I don't have anything to blog about. However, in the spirit of bloginess (blogitude? blogilarity?) I am merely blogging about an idea for a future blog that I had today. Ok. So, my plan is to buy a chia pet off the internet...

...and then shave my face at the same time as I prepare the chia pet and then see which grows faster, my facial hair or the chia pet. I would keep an ongoing blog with comparative pictures. So, yeah...that's what I've got.

Now I'm Really Mad

2006-07-05T20:55:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard the latest news, 3 people including one top executive were arrested for trying to steal the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Thankfully they were caught before any severe damage was done. If ever the death penalty was in needed...

In a happier side story, the way Coke found out that their secrets had been stolen was that Pepsi alerted them after having been approached by the criminals who were trying to sell them the secret. I have gained a little more respect for Pepsi after hearing that, even though I wouldn't be surprised if Pepsi came out with a new cola product in the next few months.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/05/AR2006070501142.html

Back to the Blogging Blasics

2006-06-25T09:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in a long, long, long, time. Many of my loyal fans have even commented to me on the fact that they miss my blogs. For the past few days I've been trying to think of something to blog about but have drawn a blank. I think that's because it's been so long that I just need to get back to my roots and start from the beginning. By that I mean I need to write a "My First Blog Post" to get back on track...Mack.

Everyone knows that there are essential ingredients to every first blog post. I've done extensive research on ProvoPlatinum to find the common threads. For example, every first post contains:
Obligatory apology for not being good since it's the first post
Must start by saying "This is my first post"
Possibly you tell everyone your name (as if anyone who's reading it doesn't know already)
Something to the effect of "I hope this works"
A shout-out to your blogging guru (aka the person who introduced you to blogging)

Of course sometimes you come across something random for a first post. Bryant's first post says "Hi are you. I'm building a web page." I'm not sure, but I think that's my favorite first post ever. I was going to actually write a "first post" but now I'm bored so I'm done. Maybe I've just lost the blogging gift.

I'm such a loser

2006-05-09T16:35:00.000-06:00

Last night I watched as one of my favorite magicians/illusionists/artists/wackos of all time attempted a stunt that no one ever would have thought possible. David Blaine has made his living testing his endurance with tasks that only crazy people would attempt. Last night he attempted to hold his breath for nine minutes while shackled underwater after he had already been underwater for seven days. He only made it a little over 7 minutes before he had to be rescued. Now, my point is not to talk about how crazy David Blaine is or why he does the things he does, but to analyze whether or not he is a failure.
There appears to be a fine line between being a success and a failure. Sometimes, success slips from our grasp through our own inadvertence or laziness. Sometimes it eludes us because of factors beyond our power. These moments happen to all of us throughout our lives. For whatever reason, sometimes we slide to the wrong side of that fine line. When that happens, the world calls us failures. Look at Bode, Miller, the skier. Coming in as the top skier in the world, he was expected to win multiple gold medals and ended up getting none. He was labeled as a failure and ridiculed by the media even though he constantly explained that he had done his best and that was what was important to him.
I don't honestly consider myself to be a lazy person even though to some it may appear that way. In truth, I have a fear of committing myself to do something and then failing. For that reason, I don't always put all the effort I can into my tasks because then I can justify my failure to myself. However, David Blaine has inspired me to take more risks and to not be so afraid of failure. I haven't heard any post-event interviews with David, but my guess is that he is proud of his failure because he gave it his best shot and stretched himself to the limit. In conclusion, from now on, my heros in life will be losers - the guys who aren't too afraid to take the last shot in a basketball game but end up missing it, the David Blaines of the world. This post is entirely too long so I don't expect anyone to actually read it.

Easter Psycho

2006-04-21T19:58:00.000-06:00

Monday morning I woke up early and headed out to a few large supermarkets where I bought $20 of discount leftover Easter candy. I've always had a love for Cadbury Cream Eggs and have never understood why they don't sell those things all year long. I bought 15 of them on Monday in addition to my other chocolate booty.

Anyway, in the course of eating my second chocolate Easter Bunny this week (and by that I mean this day) I realized that I always feel compeled to eat the head first. In fact, I get some sort of twisted satisfaction out of biting off the bunny's head. I'm kind of worried that one day I'll have a child (I realize that's quite a presumption) with a pet bunny and I'll bite its head off (the bunny's, not my child's). Should I be seeking professional help?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

2006-04-04T20:07:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, for Lent I gave up going out to eat. I've been pretty faithful for the past several weeks. However, tonight, I just couldn't help myself. I went to Wendy's by myself and with a full concsious appreciation of my actions, a mere 1 1/2 weeks from the end of Lent. My major question is, since I broke a rule of Catholocism, do I have to confess to a Catholic priest? I've always wanted to go into one of those little booths where you can't see the priest and you confess to him. As a side note, if I was going to cheat with anybody, it was going to be with the only one who's been there for me, through thick and thin, through good times and bad...Wendy's. Sonic came in a close second. Actually, I would have gone there if it had been closer...really I just used Wendy's for its convenience.

Knight Rider

2006-03-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

I just watched an old episode of Knight Rider and I had forgotten just how utterly awesome that show is. It's so cool that I've spent the last 40 minutes just reminiscing on how totally awesome it was. I also found out that they are making a Knight Rider movie soon with David Hasselhoff (the greatest actor of all time) reprising his familiar role of Michael Knight and will be training his successor as part of the movie plot. Hopefully his successor will be Vin Diesel, even though the pure awesomeness of this might be so much that my head would instantaneously explode.

Lauren Appreciation Week

2006-03-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have received a request to make it Lauren Appreciation Week....so...Lauren, we salute you. Really, who is Lauren, what makes her tick? I honestly don't have any idea but maybe you do. Let's hear some testimonials:

"I weep for joy everytime Lauren comes home!"
Marissa Dorny
"I have a secret crush on her!"
Bryant Casteel
"I hate it when Lauren uses my detergent!"
April Conkey
"I have memorized her entire schedule!"
That creepy guy in the library

Please feel free to post your own testimonials.

Word Verification

2006-03-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

The current bane of my existence would have to be the word verification test that some people have set up in order to post on their blogs. Several months ago, there erupted a rash of "post spam" which made it necessary enable the word verification requirement. However, that threat has long since subsided. The thing I hate most about the word verification thing is that my WVCIP (Word Verification Correct Input Percentage) hovers somewhere around 45%. I seriously get it wrong somehow more than I get it right. Partly this is because the letters are sometimes blended together so tightly that you can't tell one from the other. Sometimes I carefully enter the code only to be denied. I believe that this is because Blogger likes to "keep it real." Well, my plea today would be that everyone go into their options and turn off word verification. I've tried to hold this post in long enough but I can't do it anymore.

Saying that something is the new awesome is the new awesome

2006-03-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know who that person is but my current favorite phrase is now to call anything that's cool, "the new awesome." Unfortunately I don't have any friends, so I just say it to myself.

Unavailable

2006-03-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

For the next week, I will be working on my appellate brief which is due on Monday. I have a ton of work on it so please excuse me if my responses to any emails are laconic. Actually, I'm going to be pretty busy for the rest of the semester. I promise to make up the difference during my break before Summer term starts. As a side note, I hate my life right now.

Lost Love

2006-03-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

I feel a burning urge to write this post even though it might go against my better judgment. You see, I might have recently made the worst decision of my life concerning a very special someone. And now, I fear there may be no going back. My relationship with the love of my life started last year while I was still in Utah. It started as being just an acquaintance but soon I was seeing my love almost everyday. I couldn't get enough of her. When I wasn't with her, I was thinking of her. When I was with her, I was the happiest man on earth. When I moved to Louisiana, I lost contact. The time between correspondence grew longer and longer and I began to forget the good times we'd had together. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to find out just what my love meant to me. So I commenced a fast of sorts where I cut off all contact for a month or two. During this time, I have come to the realization of the horrible thing I've done. It's been said that you can't realize how much you care about someone till they're gone. Now I completely understand. You may be wondering who this person is. Well, it's not exactly a person. It's a fast food restaurant...Wendy's. For lent, I gave up going out to eat. It's been difficult, but I promise to make it up to Wendy's after 40 days. Maybe I'll go on a streak where I eat at Wendy's every day for the 40 days after lent is over.

Russ Appreciation Week

2006-03-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

I would just like to announce to the world that this is Russ Appreciation Week. Russ has earned this dubious honor by interviewing for a job on the cutting edge of the educational world and blowing the minds of his interviewers so much that they offered him the job the very next day even though there were still other people that they were supposed to be interviewing. They even asked him to help design the curriculum for the class. I can think of no one in the entire universe who is more worthy of having their own week (or maybe two weeks) than our very own Russ Andrews. (Soon to me Mr. Andrews.) If you see him, shake his hand and tell him how much you wish you were like him.

The only thing that stays the same...

2006-03-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

Time Marches On
Tracy Lawrence

Sister cries out, from her baby bed.
Brother runs in with feathers on his head.
Mama's in her room learnin how to sew.
Daddy's drinkin beer listenen to the radio.
Hank Williams sings Kaw-Liga and Dear John
Time marches on, time marches on.

Sister's using rouge and clear complection soap.
Brother's wearin beads and he smokes alot of dope.
Mama is depressed barely makes a sound.
Daddy's got a girlfriend in another town.
Bob Dylan sings like a Rolling Stone.
Time marches on, time marches on.

South moves north, North moves south
A star is born, a star burns out.
the only thing that stays the same is everything
changes, everything changes.

Sister calls herself a sexy grandma.
Brother's on a diet for high cholesterol.
Mama's out of touch with reality.
Daddy's in the ground beneath the maple tree.
As the Angles sing an old Hank Williams song.
Time marches on, time marches on. Time marches on, time
marches on. Time marches on. Time marches on.

Waffle House

2006-03-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've finally done it. This morning I went to the Waffle House for breakfast. I got a Pecan Waffle and Hashbrowns - Scattered, Smothered, and Covered. This basically is interpreted to mean that there are onions in them and they microwave a Kraft Single on top. I'd give my experience a B+ since the 45 year old waitress told me I smelled good.

It's Official

2006-02-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give an update on yesterday's groundhog activity. America's most famous groundhog, Punxutawney Phil, predicted six more weeks of winter. But before you get too depressed, a lesser known groundhog from Georgia, General Beauregard Lee (picture included), predicted an early spring. In fact, The General has been far more accurate in his predictions over the years than Punxutawney has, so my guess would be for an early spring.

As a side note, you may be wondering what General Beauregard Lee eats to keep his fur coat nice and shiny. The Atlanta-Journal Constitution reports that the Waffle House dontated a meal of hashbrowns - scattered, smothered, and covered - for The General. Apparently, he eats better than me.

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/0202genbeau.html

Paul Appreciation Week

2006-01-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

Paul Smart made me an offer I couldn't refuse for me to make it his week. Many of you don't know Paul and for that you should be ashamed of yourselves. I've slept in the same bed as Paul and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone must now write their favorite memories of Paul, even if you've never met him.

Belly Button Lint

2006-01-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

This is just one of those great mysteries of life. I've never really had a belly button lint problem. I've only had it a few times in my life. However, I once had a roommate, who shall go unnamed, who had to pick a big nugget of lint out of his belly button about twice a day. But where does it come from? The prevailing theory is that it comes from rubbing fuzz off the inside of your shirt. But if that's the case, why doesn't everyone get it? There are all kinds of other variables that must come into play like the amount your stomach sticks out, chest hair, fabric of the shirt, etc., but it still makes no sense. Can anyone answer this vexing question? My own belief is that there is a lint monster who, tooth fairy-esque, goes around and puts lint in the belly buttons of bad boys and girls.

Bryant Appreciation Week

2006-01-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Bryant gave me the most money, so he has earned the right to be appreciated this week. His donation of $.05 has been deposited into my offshore bank account in the Virgin Islands specifically created as the "Appreciation Week Account."
It is fitting that Bryant has decided to express his feelings more to others last week so let's do the same for him. (Except in my case, because I don't have any feelings) So everyone must start their comments to my post with these words, "I love Bryant because..." and then you may fill in the blank. The only rule is that you must use the word "love" or your post will be baleeted.
Have a Happy BAW.

Stefani Appreciation Week

2006-01-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

This week we have the honor of honoring one of our favorite people, Stefani Ward. She will be the first in a series of many who we will have a chance to extol. What do you do for someone during their Appreciation Week? I don't know. I don't have all the answers, I just supply the questions. I suggest that everyone comments on this post their pledges of what they will do to outwardly show Stefani their appreciation. But Stefani Appreciation Week can be a time for individual reflection and inner-stuff too. Also, whoever sends me the most money will have the honor of Appreciation Week next week.

WARNING: Naked Pictures of Me

2006-01-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe you clicked on this link! You should be ashamed!

First Annual COY Awards

2006-01-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

AND THE COY AWARD GOES TO:

For best imitation of COY - DeCOY
For most wanted precious antibodies - Kim Stobel
For best blog post about COY - Aaron Roundy "Precioius Antibodies"
For most egregious act of disdain against COY - Ronnie Steelman (for leaving it at someone elses house for a week)
For most whole-hearted appreciation of COY - Bryant Casteel/Trevor
Lifetime achievement award - Orum Young (for inadvertently inventing COY)

To Stobel

2006-01-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of a tapeworm. Normally, these are found in dogs or swine, but occasionally they may be found in humans, especially in third world countries. The amazing thing about them is that they grow in your intestine to become up to 12 meters long. The reason that I tell you this is that our friend Kim has a parasite (probably not this one because this one's not transmitted through bad drinking water) and I want to be the first to name him. I hereby dub Kim's parasite, Walter...Walter the Worm. Kim, I hope that you and Walter can have many years of happiness together and that you can have a truly symbiotic relationship with him and all of his children and grandchildren.

I Love LA

2005-12-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

So, today I drove to Northern Louisiana and back with my brothers to go to an Open House for a friend who just got married. I saw the following along the way:

-A double-wide trailer home that doubled as both City Hall and Police HQ in Winnsboro, Louisiana (pronounced Winsbra).
-Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, a huge billboard that said, "Chuck Norris. Attorney. 'I help injured people'." As we passed that one, I thought to myself, "Chuck, of course you help injured people. That's what Walker, Texas Ranger does."
-A sign in front of a little stand off the highway in plain view that said, "We buy and sell crack." I don't know what that means. I'm just telling you what I saw. Underneath that sign was another sign that said, "Fresh Pecans." That was in Vidalia, Louisiana.

The Monkey on My Back

2005-12-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today I spent three hours in Barnes and Noble just trying to figure out how to spend the $35 gift card I got for Christmas. Normally, this would be a joyous three hours, but today...it was pure stress. You see, for the past three years or so I've been wanting to read The Iliad by Homer. However, for three years, this epic has scared me away. You see, to me, the greatest sign of weakness is to start a book and then not finish it. (This has only happened once in my life). So I fear buying books that are either super-long or super-difficult because I don't want to be defeated by the book. Today, however, after three hours of pumping myself up, I bought The Iliad, along with Candide by Voltaire and The Plague by Albert Camus (upon recommendation by my newest friend). I think I'm going to start The Iliad tonight so wish me luck.

Crazy Idea of the Week

2005-12-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't shaved in a couple weeks. I think I might grow my beard out until I kiss a girl. And by that I mean I'm going to be auditioning for the part of Brigham Young next time I'm in Utah.

Why King Kong Can Get a Girl and I Can't

2005-12-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

1. King Kong gets girls in the palm of his hand.
2. King Kong has much bigger muscles.
3. King Kong knows the best way to get a girl to like you is to ignore her and be a jerk to her (like growling at her when she doesn't do what you say).
4. King Kong doesn't take no for an answer (In fact, he'll eat you if you tell him no). I usually just assume the answer is no.
5. King Kong isn't afraid to get out on a limb (or the Empire State Building) for a girl.
6. King Kong can kill three T-Rexes at the same time. This is just too awesome to compete with.
7. King Kong is willing to give a girl a chance even though she might not be his type (or species).

So pretty much the only thing I have in common with King Kong is that neither of us own a cell phone. At least that gives me a little hope.

And What a Year It's Been

2005-12-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Three days from now will be my one-year blogging anniversary. Looking back, it's been quite an interesting year. I'm going to celebrate by changing my blog template because Sheryl Crow said it best, "a change will do you good."

Stay tuned for more Smoot Chronicles.

Married People Aren't Real

2005-12-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Here is a true theory that me and my old roommates have had for a while. I'm 97% positive that this theory holds true for almost every married couple. In fact, I can only think of two or three married couples that I think might be real. The basis for this theory is that I can't possibly imagine how one could possibly ever get married. I mean...the odds are definitely against you. To illustrate, let's take your average joe and put him in the room with a random sampling of 100 girls. Chances are that average joe will only like 15-20 of those girls - tops. Now, out of those 15-20 girls, about a third will like him. So that leaves Joe in the room with 100 girls and there are only 5-7 that both he likes and that like him. To add to this, none of these people know what the others are thinking, so while Girl #19 really likes Joe, she doesn't do anything because she thinks Joe likes Girl #35. However, Joe actually wants to ask out Girl #96, who really doesn't like Joe because she heard that he was checking out both Girl #17 and Girl #46, neither of whom Girl #96 has a very high opinion of.

Does this seem pretty impossible to work out? Well then, let's just take this scenario and make it more like real life where there are hundreds of Joes and hundreds of Girls. Just applying my previous scenario to real life is enough to give you a headache and you soon realize that you shouldn't think too hard about it because it's actually virtually impossible for one boy and one girl who like each other to ever find each other. And even when that virtual impossibility is achieved, I don't even want to get into the other hurdles that have to be cleared in order to get to marriage.

So you see this? Since it is so impossible for a real person to get married, the only people who do get married are fake people. They are all some kind of illusion or figment of our collective imaginations. I don't really know how that is possible, but it is the only way to explain the sheer mass of people getting married all the time when there is no possible human way for that many people to finding other people who like them and taking their relationship all the way to marriage. I'm open to other suggestions if anyone can top my brilliance of deduction.

Besides, haven't you noticed that married people are so weird.

Throwing down the gauntlet

2005-12-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I make an official challenge to all. I will get a cell phone if anyone can come up with a non-rebuttable good reason why should get one.

Edward Scissorhands

2005-12-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

Since Bryant has opened up the subject of deep meanings of Tim Burton movies, I just wanted to throw in my two-cents about Edward Scissorhands. This movie means to me that there will always be some people who will have to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Deep Dark Suspicions

2005-11-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to the realization that I have been roommates with both a spy and a vampire.

The spy was my old roommate, Clark Gunnerson (if that is even his real name). I believe he was actually an Israeli spy who's mission was to ascertain BYU's intentions with the Jerusalem Center. He masked his identity by pretending to learn Hebrew (a likely story), but his pro-Israel stance on all Middle East issues gave him away. When he graduated from BYU and could no longer spy there, he married an ex-KGB provocatuer and worked at the University of Utah to get closer to church HQ (his next assignment). Now he has gone back to his homeland to institute the "Gunner Plan."

The vampire was Brant Stewart, whom many of you know but didn't realize his true nature. My evidence is that I never saw him during the day. He would be gone in the morning before I woke up (supposedly to "Volleyball practice"), and he wouldn't get home until I was asleep. Chances are he was using the night to prey on my blood every night while I slept, a little at a time. I always wondered where I got those scars on my neck. Also, he spent a substantial amount of time in Transylvania, which everyone knows is the home of Dracula. My belief is that he did not move to Washington D.C, but he moved to Alaska, where it's night time for 6 straight months.

Bottom 10

2005-11-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

Ten things I hate.

1. Turning the light on when I wake up.
2. People talking to me when I've just woken up.
3. Going to sleep when I'm hot.
4. When I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
5. When I wake up in the middle of the night and my pillow is on the floor.
6. Getting up to turn the light off so I can sleep after I've been reading in my bed (I've tried to use the "force" to turn the light off in this situation more times than I can count).
7. Having to change my early morning routine because of someone else.
8. When I get in the car with the person I carpool with and the radio is on too loud.
9. When I get in the car with the person I carpool with and he talks to me too much.
10. Clutter.

Top 5

2005-11-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

Partly in response to an email, and partly cause I was going to anyway, I give unto you my top five movie list.

1. Cast Away
2. Lord of the Rings
3. Bridge Over the River Kwai
4. Rocky I
5. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

I also have included my top five comedy list because I think of it as a separate category.

1. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
2. Airplane
3. Any movie with Willy Wonka in it
4. School of Rock
5. All movies are excluded that starred a member of Saturday Night Live from the past 15 years

This list changes all the time, but this is what I came up with after midnight. The really tough list would be my top five book list.

So Long and Thanks For All the Fish

2005-11-16T06:52:00.000-07:00

My semester ends in exactly one week and then finals start. I just want to say good-bye to all my friends. I'll still try to keep in contact as much as I can so don't hate me if I don't respond in a timely manner. Some of you may hate me anyway, but I probably deserve it for some reason.

Have it Your Way

2005-11-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this face? This is the infamous (or in 'n famous) "The King" from the latest Burger King commercials. In one commercial, some dude wakes up, looks over, and The King is in bed with him offering him a breakfast sandwich. In another, some guy wakes up and when he opens his blinds, The King is just standing outside his window ready to offer him a breakfast sandwich. Many have commented that The King is scary, but I say he's creepy/cool (an alternative kind of cool). I could think of nothing better than to "Wake up to The King" handing me a breakfast sandwich loaded with all the fixins. I mean, seriously, could you say no to a face like that?

Collapse

2005-10-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

Look at me. I used to be such a cute little guy. The next 20-something years sure took their toll.

That Guy

2005-10-15T13:55:00.000-06:00

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought-
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Sign-Up

2005-10-06T17:33:00.000-06:00

Since I'm going to be in Utah for a week, this post is my sign up sheet for people to cook for me and give me a place to live. Just comment about which meal and which day you will feed me. I also need people to sign up for somewhere for me to sleep every night as well as a chauffeur for each day.

Playoff Hopes

2005-10-03T19:08:00.000-06:00

I happen to believe that baseball is the greatest sport ever invented. I realize there are many people who disagree with me and that's just fine. This time of year is always both good and bad. It's playoff time. As most know, my favorite team since I've actually consciously watched baseball has been the Braves. For the last 15 years, the Atlanta Braves have been the most consistently good team in baseball. They haven't missed the playoffs since 1990. This gives me a lot of satisfaction and happiness. However, right around this time of year is when the Braves lose in the first round of the playoffs. It happens more years than not. This has been a source of utter consternation for the last several years. This year, I got on espn.com and saw that 11 out of their 12 analysts had picked the Braves to lose once again in the first round to the Astros, who beat the Braves last year in the first round. Well, this year I think is going to be different. My predictions are:

First Round
Braves in 5
Cardinals in 4
Yankees in 4
White Sox in 5

Second Round
Cardinals in 6
Yankees in 7

World Series
Cardinals in 5

I realize that I didn't pick the Braves to get past the Cards, but I just don't think the Braves have it in them this year. It's a bit of a "rebuilding year" if that's possible for a team that just won a difficult division. The Braves have a lot of young talent which will take a little more time before I believe they are World Series ready.

Posthumous popularity

2005-09-28T12:54:00.000-06:00

Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickenson, Ronnie Steelman.

You may wonder what in the world I have in common with any of those other two people. Do I act mildly to moderately psychotic while engaging in artistic endeavors? No...well at least I hope not. Actually, the main characteristic that those three names have in common is that they all became posthumously popular...and in my case, by posthumous, I mean postleavingprovo-ous.
I have never considered myself a popular guy. At law school, on the popularity scale from 1-10, I'd seriously give myself a -3. I'm sure people make fun of me behind my back. Anyway, I had some good friends in Provo, but all of a sudden, I leave and my gmail inbox is constantly full all the time. Not that I'm complaining. Since I have no friends, I consider reading and writing emails as my main social activity. Sometimes I'll spend a couple hours a day just with email. I don't think it's a waste of time because I'm just doing it during the times when anyone else would be actually talking to a roommate or visiting a friend. Well, my point is...actually I don't know what my point is. I guess I'm just happy to have such great friends to email and now to G-talk to.

Relativity is bunk

2005-09-18T18:37:00.000-06:00

I am now a disciple of Superstring Theory.

Nickname

2005-09-18T09:11:00.000-06:00

I wish I had a cool nickname that started with the word "The" like "The professor" or "The preacher" or "The postman". It doesn't even have to start with the letter "p" like all my examples. Does anybody have any ideas?

It's Official

2005-09-13T15:17:00.000-06:00

The ghost of Abraham O. Smoot that has haunted VP 11 in the past, for some inexplicable reason has decided to follow me down to Louisiana. I have had two encounters during the past week.

1) Last week in the library, twice I put something in my bag only to look up and immediately see that the item had been taken out of my bag.

2) I heard wailing in my house Sunday morning when I was all by myself (There was no wind).

Physical Challenge

2005-09-05T13:45:00.000-06:00

I offer $100 to the first person to complete the physical challenge from the 2nd to 1st floor ($150 for 3rd to 2nd floor). The only caveats are that there must be two witnesses and a video recording sent to me.

Gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Done

2005-08-19T15:48:00.000-06:00

My first week of law school is over and, boy, was it a long week. In fact, I'm so tired that I don't even feel like writing anymore about it.

Brand Loyal

2005-08-12T23:00:00.000-06:00

I've kind of always been a brand loyal guy. I figure if someone makes a product and I like it, I owe them something. Well, on my recent trip home, I found some more brands to support.
1) Super 8 Motel: The room in Colby, Kansas was huge and still way cheaper than the other hotels. The one in Longview, Texas had a microwave and a fridge. I had no need of these appliances, but I felt special in knowing that I had them.
2) (This isn't exactly a brand) ALICE 105.9 in Denver. They got me through a 2 hour traffic jam in the mountains west of Denver when there were only two stations I could even receive (the other was in Spanish). How come no one from Denver ever told me about this station? Can I listen over the internet?
3) Coke...Oh wait, I was already addicted to that from Atlanta.

Atlanta vs. The Grid System

2005-08-03T21:01:00.000-06:00

I discovered a new reason why I'm so scared to leave Utah. I don't know if I'll be able to handle life outside of the street grid system. Like many new students in Provo, at first I hated it, I thought it reeked of boredom. After getting used to it however, I found it to be a very practical tool. Where else can you just give someone your address and they automatically can find your house without any further directions?
Well, on our recent excursion to Atlanta I was reminded again of how cool the grid system is. Several times, we would have the address of where we wanted to go and a map and we still couldn't find it. It didn't help that in Atlanta, you can ask 5 different people the way to get to a restaurant 3 blocks away and you will get 5 completely different sets of directions; some will get you there and some will lead you so deep into the ghetto that you'll be scared to slow down enough to turn around. Also Atlantians (not to be confused with people from Atlantis) or A-T-L-ians, as I prefer to call them, have a somewhat skewed interpretation of the whole left-right-straight system of giving directions. Apparently, sometimes "go right" means go right. But sometimes "go right" means to go left or to turn completely around with a slight course deviation. Maybe they just saw we were tourists and wanted to have some fun. And if you're wondering why they just don't say North or South or East or West, you need to realize that you can't tell those directions in the South because everything is flat so going North looks exactly the same as going South-Southwest. Anyway, these address problems, although slightly annoying did seem to make the trip a little funnier. But I'm still scared to go back to Louisiana, the only state that has even more messed up streets. I'll have to blog about that later.

Innocence Lost

2005-08-03T16:56:00.000-06:00

There are several times in our lives when our eyes are opened to the world a little faster than we are ready for. We learn things that all of a sudden make the world a much meaner, colder, and scary place. We feel a little bit more vulnerable. A few examples from my life are when I learned that there was no Santa, when I watched that gross video in 7th grade Health Class called "The Miracle of Life" (because of which I decided to never be in the delivery room when my wife has a baby), and when I went on my first date.
Recently, I learned something that most people probably already knew, but I just hadn't thought about it. I discovered this dark secret during my daily perusal of CNN.com and saw an article about the passage of a bill that would lengthen Daylight Savings by one month. Now, I had always been under the impression that Daylight Savings was a matter of scientific fact, a Law if you will. I was just so shocked that Congress could just change it at their whim. And the reason for this change was just to save energy. Like I said, this probably wasn't a shock to anyone else, but I'm scared to think of where Congress will stop now that I know they have these broad powers. Maybe they'll have two Christmas's to boost the economy in the summer and the winter. Or maybe they'll make Saturday disappear. To what ends could they go? Why didn't anyone try to stop them from changing Daylight Savings? I'm feeling scared... and alone...

Easter Comes Earlier Every Year

2005-07-15T08:31:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to the mall with Jason in hopes of getting a shirt or two since I hate all my clothes and I'm tired of wearing the same six or seven shirts I own every week again and again. The only variety I have is that I can sometimes switch up the order. Anyway, we went to the mall and I came away empty handed (This has happened now the last three times I've been to the mall). I just cannot stand the current styles in mens fashion. I would think that I'm just old, but I don't think I ever see anyone wearing any of these clothes either. The two biggest problems I saw were that either the sleeves were too short or they came in Easter colors. I felt like I was in Willy Wonka's factory with all the crazy colors that abounded. I mean, who wears a neon light blue shirt with pink stripes? So, I guess my question is, am I the only person who can't find mens clothes or am I just a fashion dud?

Late Night Visions of Perfection

2005-07-11T09:04:00.000-06:00

Last night, I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep at all. I think I was having a dream about dating because my mind was harrowed up by what felt like an eternal torment on that very subject. I laid in my bed, in a feverish haze, (after I had gotten out of bed briefly to relieve myself) thinking of the futility of my efforts and also how petty all the games and stupid things about dating are. I began to feel that I could rise above all the silliness and pettiness. I began to get grand ideas about how I would change and become a new man. At around 5:40 a.m., probably due to the excess strain on my mind, I returned to my slumber. Upon awaking, I could not remember any of my "grand ideas" from the previous night. Not a thing. Now I know why Moroni had to come four times. I guess I'll just have to keep living my unenlightened lifestyle for a little bit longer.

Quirkyalone

2005-07-05T09:01:00.000-06:00

Is this me?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quirkyalone

The Most Profound Statement Ever

2005-06-28T15:11:00.000-06:00

Ha, Ha, made you look!

Marry Me?

2005-06-10T17:11:00.000-06:00

So, I have a theory that it becomes exponentially more difficult to get married the older you get and I think I know why. I believe that marriage has a moderating effect on both parties involved. From my own experience, I know how out of control men can get when left with each other. Women seem to have some power that makes the men who like them not want to put a cherry bomb in the mail box or shoot guns at trains as they go by (I've done the last one). I don't exactly know where this calming influence comes from, but I do believe it's usually there.

However, both sexes, without this moderating effect, become increasingly eccentric. By that word, I mean that they become too stuck in their weird personal habits that they've never had to change because of someone else. For example: I have a name for the jug of water I drink from. By itself that is just a harmless and endearing quirk. However you add a hundred other weird quirks to that and the opposite sex gets scared of you. The longer you live without marriage, the more of these "quirks" or "eccentricities" become ingrained in your life and the less appeal you have to others. I don't know if I've explained this good enough. It's just a thought I've had for a while.

OK, I'll Post Already!

2005-04-08T12:17:00.000-06:00

Right now, my biggest obstacle is to get some priorities in my life. I've come to enjoy the life of the full time job with no school. It makes for a much more stress free life as long as you can leave your work behind you when you leave the office. However, this freedom creates a much bigger problem than most people would imagine. My life has had no purpose since I have left the life of school with its constant deadlines and such. I come home from work, and have nothing that needs to get done. For example, yesterday I came home and promptly played 2 straight hours of X-Box and then I just wandered around to various apartments the rest of the night. I didn't do anything to progress any aspect of my life, and isn't that what we're supposed to be doing with our lives? What can I do to gain purpose?

What's in a Name?

2005-03-02T14:51:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling that this generation just doesn't have enough respect for people in positions of authority. This whole rebelliousness probably began in the '60s and has snowballed into the problem it is today. Take me for example. I'm a freakin' NOTARY PUBLIC, man!!! Just me saying that should make you bow, or quake, or at least "honk your horn if you see this sign." But nooooooooo, I don't get a lick of respect. I get Nothin'. If anyone had any idea of the power I have... Let me just give you a little glimpse of my far-reaching powers. If you sign a document, then I can say that it was actually you who did sign it, and not some phony pretending to be you. All I have to do is affix my trusty Official Notary Stamp (complete with the official Seal of Utah) and - VOILA - it's legit. You can take it to Court, but you can't take it to the bank, baby (if you know what I mean). Anyway, I am all-powerful.

Sickness

2005-02-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

I recall that Elder Maxwell and Elder Hales have both previously talked in General Conference about pain and sickness and how it makes you better and more spiritual and stuff. I've been sick this week with just a little cold (not even close to cancer or heart surgery) and I'm pretty sure that I decline spiritually when I'm sick. I don't feel like reading scriptures or even being nice to people.

Lent

2005-02-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

I've finally decided what I will give up for Lent, a Catholic holiday where you "give something up" for 40 days - a quasi fast. Lately, I've spent a lot of time mindlessly watching TV just because I didn't feel like doing anything productive. So, I'm going to give up TV. There have to be ground rules of course. I can watch DVD's. I can also watch anything extraordinary, e.g. State of the Union address, something a roommate really wants me to see, etc. The 21st of March will be the next time I turn on a television set.

Best Friends?

2005-02-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Last week, I asked a girl who had previously only been a good acquaintance to be my best friend and she said yes. Realizing that I knew virtually nothing about her, I wrote out a questionnaire to learn lots of intricate details of her life; you know, stuff it usually takes years to learn. She filled it out and I plan to fill one out for her also. I made cookies for her yesterday and plan to invite her to dinner on Wednesday. Now, the question I propose follows: Is this actually possible to become automatic best friends? Will it work out or will or best friendship fizzle out like a day old Cherry Coke?

YAHTZEE!!!

2005-02-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

The saddest part of my life right now is that I don't think I can make decisions for myself anymore. I am so puscillanimous that I just let yahtzee dice choose everything for me. For example, if I'm thinking about asking a girl out on a date, I roll the yahtzee dice. If I can get a yahtzee after 3 rolls, I ask her out; if not, then I don't have to. It's gotten to the point that I ask yahtzee what I will eat that day, what I will do, etc. The whole thing is scripturally based of course. Nephi and his bros cast lots. They even cast lots to find the apostle to replace Judas Iscariot. So, if I get a Yahtzee, then I'll post this blog...

Long Time

2005-01-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted because my bosses have had the nerve to give me a lot of work to do the past two weeks. My life has pretty much consisted of law school applications for the past forever. It's so easy to put things off and be anti-social under the "I can't because I have to finish my applications" excuse. This week, however, that excuse will be gone and I'll have to bust out the "I can't because I hate you" excuse, or the "I would hang out with you if you weren't so boring." I'm going to miss law applications.

Liquidation Sale

2004-12-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Both Provo Furniture and Granite Furniture for the past who-knows-how-many years have been advertising for their Closing/Liquidation/Final Days Sale. Apparently, they thought that people would be gullible enough to actually think the store has been going out of business for the last 10 years. Well, I'd always considered this as a low tactic and wondered how they could continue to do this in our informed age. Yesterday, however, all my theories fell apart when I saw that Provo Furniture really was out of business. No, I don't mean they had another sign up. There really wasn't a single piece of furniture in there and the building was for sale. I guess they'd been telling the truth for the past 10 years. I only wish I'd gotten in there for the real liquidation sale.

Shame on BYU?

2004-12-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone's seen the huge banner that says,"Shame on BYU," that people constantly hold up on Canyon. My big question is, "What in the world are they trying to accomplish"? That sign has been up since this summer and I still don't know (or care) what it's all about. My message to the sign holder-uppers would be to forget it. Whatever BYU did, ain't nobody gonna care enough to help you. Get back to work! It just boggles my mind that they're out there day in, day out. What do they hope to accomplish? In short, my message to the sign holders would not be, "Shame on BYU," but just, "Shame on YOU." - for being stupid.

Halo 2

2004-12-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've been playing a lot of Halo 2 this past week (I beat the game). I've been playing so much that it's just what I do when I have nothing to do. Now, it looks like I might lose the Halo-Box for the next week. This is bad for two reasons. 1 - No one is going to be around this week so it will be one of the most boring weeks ever. 2 - I've been playing so much lately that I think I might go through withdrawals (like drug addicts do). I need some ideas of activities to do this week.

First Blog Ever

2004-12-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

So, I really have no idea what I'm doing. Let's just see if this works. If so, I will be so proud of myself. Before I post this, I just want to throw a shout out to my blogging zen master, Mr. Bryant Casteel.