I Love LA

So, today I drove to Northern Louisiana and back with my brothers to go to an Open House for a friend who just got married. I saw the following along the way:

-A double-wide trailer home that doubled as both City Hall and Police HQ in Winnsboro, Louisiana (pronounced Winsbra).
-Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, a huge billboard that said, "Chuck Norris. Attorney. 'I help injured people'." As we passed that one, I thought to myself, "Chuck, of course you help injured people. That's what Walker, Texas Ranger does."
-A sign in front of a little stand off the highway in plain view that said, "We buy and sell crack." I don't know what that means. I'm just telling you what I saw. Underneath that sign was another sign that said, "Fresh Pecans." That was in Vidalia, Louisiana.

The Monkey on My Back

Today I spent three hours in Barnes and Noble just trying to figure out how to spend the $35 gift card I got for Christmas. Normally, this would be a joyous three hours, but today...it was pure stress. You see, for the past three years or so I've been wanting to read The Iliad by Homer. However, for three years, this epic has scared me away. You see, to me, the greatest sign of weakness is to start a book and then not finish it. (This has only happened once in my life). So I fear buying books that are either super-long or super-difficult because I don't want to be defeated by the book. Today, however, after three hours of pumping myself up, I bought The Iliad, along with Candide by Voltaire and The Plague by Albert Camus (upon recommendation by my newest friend). I think I'm going to start The Iliad tonight so wish me luck.

Crazy Idea of the Week

So, I haven't shaved in a couple weeks. I think I might grow my beard out until I kiss a girl. And by that I mean I'm going to be auditioning for the part of Brigham Young next time I'm in Utah.

Why King Kong Can Get a Girl and I Can't

1. King Kong gets girls in the palm of his hand.
2. King Kong has much bigger muscles.
3. King Kong knows the best way to get a girl to like you is to ignore her and be a jerk to her (like growling at her when she doesn't do what you say).
4. King Kong doesn't take no for an answer (In fact, he'll eat you if you tell him no). I usually just assume the answer is no.
5. King Kong isn't afraid to get out on a limb (or the Empire State Building) for a girl.
6. King Kong can kill three T-Rexes at the same time. This is just too awesome to compete with.
7. King Kong is willing to give a girl a chance even though she might not be his type (or species).

So pretty much the only thing I have in common with King Kong is that neither of us own a cell phone. At least that gives me a little hope.

And What a Year It's Been

Three days from now will be my one-year blogging anniversary. Looking back, it's been quite an interesting year. I'm going to celebrate by changing my blog template because Sheryl Crow said it best, "a change will do you good."

Stay tuned for more Smoot Chronicles.

Married People Aren't Real

Here is a true theory that me and my old roommates have had for a while. I'm 97% positive that this theory holds true for almost every married couple. In fact, I can only think of two or three married couples that I think might be real. The basis for this theory is that I can't possibly imagine how one could possibly ever get married. I mean...the odds are definitely against you. To illustrate, let's take your average joe and put him in the room with a random sampling of 100 girls. Chances are that average joe will only like 15-20 of those girls - tops. Now, out of those 15-20 girls, about a third will like him. So that leaves Joe in the room with 100 girls and there are only 5-7 that both he likes and that like him. To add to this, none of these people know what the others are thinking, so while Girl #19 really likes Joe, she doesn't do anything because she thinks Joe likes Girl #35. However, Joe actually wants to ask out Girl #96, who really doesn't like Joe because she heard that he was checking out both Girl #17 and Girl #46, neither of whom Girl #96 has a very high opinion of.

Does this seem pretty impossible to work out? Well then, let's just take this scenario and make it more like real life where there are hundreds of Joes and hundreds of Girls. Just applying my previous scenario to real life is enough to give you a headache and you soon realize that you shouldn't think too hard about it because it's actually virtually impossible for one boy and one girl who like each other to ever find each other. And even when that virtual impossibility is achieved, I don't even want to get into the other hurdles that have to be cleared in order to get to marriage.

So you see this? Since it is so impossible for a real person to get married, the only people who do get married are fake people. They are all some kind of illusion or figment of our collective imaginations. I don't really know how that is possible, but it is the only way to explain the sheer mass of people getting married all the time when there is no possible human way for that many people to finding other people who like them and taking their relationship all the way to marriage. I'm open to other suggestions if anyone can top my brilliance of deduction.

Besides, haven't you noticed that married people are so weird.

Throwing down the gauntlet

I make an official challenge to all. I will get a cell phone if anyone can come up with a non-rebuttable good reason why should get one.

Edward Scissorhands

Since Bryant has opened up the subject of deep meanings of Tim Burton movies, I just wanted to throw in my two-cents about Edward Scissorhands. This movie means to me that there will always be some people who will have to be alone for the rest of their lives.