Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Married People Aren't Real

Here is a true theory that me and my old roommates have had for a while. I'm 97% positive that this theory holds true for almost every married couple. In fact, I can only think of two or three married couples that I think might be real. The basis for this theory is that I can't possibly imagine how one could possibly ever get married. I mean...the odds are definitely against you. To illustrate, let's take your average joe and put him in the room with a random sampling of 100 girls. Chances are that average joe will only like 15-20 of those girls - tops. Now, out of those 15-20 girls, about a third will like him. So that leaves Joe in the room with 100 girls and there are only 5-7 that both he likes and that like him. To add to this, none of these people know what the others are thinking, so while Girl #19 really likes Joe, she doesn't do anything because she thinks Joe likes Girl #35. However, Joe actually wants to ask out Girl #96, who really doesn't like Joe because she heard that he was checking out both Girl #17 and Girl #46, neither of whom Girl #96 has a very high opinion of.

Does this seem pretty impossible to work out? Well then, let's just take this scenario and make it more like real life where there are hundreds of Joes and hundreds of Girls. Just applying my previous scenario to real life is enough to give you a headache and you soon realize that you shouldn't think too hard about it because it's actually virtually impossible for one boy and one girl who like each other to ever find each other. And even when that virtual impossibility is achieved, I don't even want to get into the other hurdles that have to be cleared in order to get to marriage.

So you see this? Since it is so impossible for a real person to get married, the only people who do get married are fake people. They are all some kind of illusion or figment of our collective imaginations. I don't really know how that is possible, but it is the only way to explain the sheer mass of people getting married all the time when there is no possible human way for that many people to finding other people who like them and taking their relationship all the way to marriage. I'm open to other suggestions if anyone can top my brilliance of deduction.

Besides, haven't you noticed that married people are so weird.

10 comments:

Russ said...

After watching "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956) and writing a paper about it, I've decided that married people are actually alien pod-people, come to our planet to repopulate it with their own weird spawn.

Anonymous said...

just because you can't find someone...

Ronnie said...

Russ, I don't think that movie was in the top 100 list and hence you were banned from watching it.

Anonymous, you're probably a married person who is just mad cause you realize that you're not real. Admit it.

Paul Smart said...

Tell me--what is the square root of a negative number? (I'm pretty sure that is related somehow.)

Aaron said...

Okay so I was going to leave this out, what with my sense of decency and all, but you did ask someone to top your brilliance. Take a look at this sentence and see if anything stands out to you: "there is no possible human way for that many people to FINDING other people who like them." On a somewhat related note I'm not a real person, as evidenced by proofreading blogs. Despite this I am not married. So maybe there is something more to it than being fictitious.
p.s. I promise not to point out further typos in the interest of one day becoming a "real boy".

Ronnie said...

My friend, feel free to find typos in my blog all you want. Many will attest that I do the same thing to their emails and blogs. I'm not even going to fix this one since it was written while I was tired.

Anonymous said...

Ronnie, I'm not real?? What a scary thing to find out. I'd better go tell Marshall...

be said...

I think that your logic makes sense, but your math is wrong.
If you lump all moderately attractive characteristics together (so that this isn't dependent on the exact attributes that Joe finds attractive), and assume that it is normally distributed (as everything in nature is), then TOPS, Joe will like 15-16 of the 100 girls, and that is assuming that Joe will settle for a girl that is only one standard deviation above average. A more realistic Joe will only really want to marry 2 of the 100 girls (which is two standard deviations above average).
Then, for the girl to like him back, even if the girls will settle for anyone moderately attractive, only 50% can be expected to find Joe above average at all (or 1 of the 2 girls that Joe would consider marrying). More realistically, however, the girls will also expect Joe to be more than barely better than average if they are to consider marrying him, so even if they are less discerning than Joe himself (giving them a preference of only one standard devation above average) then only 15% of Joe's 2 girls will consider him marriage material. In case you're not very good with math, that means that there will not be any match in the sample of 100 girls.
You can go here if you'd like to see how this plays out into the whole population, but the point is that it's much more impossible than even you realize. The body-snatcher theory is much more plausible.
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." ~Arthur Conan Doyle

Erika said...

I'm real and I have the psyc degrees and run on sentence skills to prove it. And I managed to find someone and drag him to the San Diego temple, right here in our fair city. (And for the record, he fight too much)

Erika said...

oops sorry, that was *he didn't fight too much* I guess I should include typo skills too