I Love LA

So, today I drove to Northern Louisiana and back with my brothers to go to an Open House for a friend who just got married. I saw the following along the way:

-A double-wide trailer home that doubled as both City Hall and Police HQ in Winnsboro, Louisiana (pronounced Winsbra).
-Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, a huge billboard that said, "Chuck Norris. Attorney. 'I help injured people'." As we passed that one, I thought to myself, "Chuck, of course you help injured people. That's what Walker, Texas Ranger does."
-A sign in front of a little stand off the highway in plain view that said, "We buy and sell crack." I don't know what that means. I'm just telling you what I saw. Underneath that sign was another sign that said, "Fresh Pecans." That was in Vidalia, Louisiana.

The Monkey on My Back

Today I spent three hours in Barnes and Noble just trying to figure out how to spend the $35 gift card I got for Christmas. Normally, this would be a joyous three hours, but today...it was pure stress. You see, for the past three years or so I've been wanting to read The Iliad by Homer. However, for three years, this epic has scared me away. You see, to me, the greatest sign of weakness is to start a book and then not finish it. (This has only happened once in my life). So I fear buying books that are either super-long or super-difficult because I don't want to be defeated by the book. Today, however, after three hours of pumping myself up, I bought The Iliad, along with Candide by Voltaire and The Plague by Albert Camus (upon recommendation by my newest friend). I think I'm going to start The Iliad tonight so wish me luck.

Crazy Idea of the Week

So, I haven't shaved in a couple weeks. I think I might grow my beard out until I kiss a girl. And by that I mean I'm going to be auditioning for the part of Brigham Young next time I'm in Utah.

Why King Kong Can Get a Girl and I Can't

1. King Kong gets girls in the palm of his hand.
2. King Kong has much bigger muscles.
3. King Kong knows the best way to get a girl to like you is to ignore her and be a jerk to her (like growling at her when she doesn't do what you say).
4. King Kong doesn't take no for an answer (In fact, he'll eat you if you tell him no). I usually just assume the answer is no.
5. King Kong isn't afraid to get out on a limb (or the Empire State Building) for a girl.
6. King Kong can kill three T-Rexes at the same time. This is just too awesome to compete with.
7. King Kong is willing to give a girl a chance even though she might not be his type (or species).

So pretty much the only thing I have in common with King Kong is that neither of us own a cell phone. At least that gives me a little hope.

And What a Year It's Been

Three days from now will be my one-year blogging anniversary. Looking back, it's been quite an interesting year. I'm going to celebrate by changing my blog template because Sheryl Crow said it best, "a change will do you good."

Stay tuned for more Smoot Chronicles.

Married People Aren't Real

Here is a true theory that me and my old roommates have had for a while. I'm 97% positive that this theory holds true for almost every married couple. In fact, I can only think of two or three married couples that I think might be real. The basis for this theory is that I can't possibly imagine how one could possibly ever get married. I mean...the odds are definitely against you. To illustrate, let's take your average joe and put him in the room with a random sampling of 100 girls. Chances are that average joe will only like 15-20 of those girls - tops. Now, out of those 15-20 girls, about a third will like him. So that leaves Joe in the room with 100 girls and there are only 5-7 that both he likes and that like him. To add to this, none of these people know what the others are thinking, so while Girl #19 really likes Joe, she doesn't do anything because she thinks Joe likes Girl #35. However, Joe actually wants to ask out Girl #96, who really doesn't like Joe because she heard that he was checking out both Girl #17 and Girl #46, neither of whom Girl #96 has a very high opinion of.

Does this seem pretty impossible to work out? Well then, let's just take this scenario and make it more like real life where there are hundreds of Joes and hundreds of Girls. Just applying my previous scenario to real life is enough to give you a headache and you soon realize that you shouldn't think too hard about it because it's actually virtually impossible for one boy and one girl who like each other to ever find each other. And even when that virtual impossibility is achieved, I don't even want to get into the other hurdles that have to be cleared in order to get to marriage.

So you see this? Since it is so impossible for a real person to get married, the only people who do get married are fake people. They are all some kind of illusion or figment of our collective imaginations. I don't really know how that is possible, but it is the only way to explain the sheer mass of people getting married all the time when there is no possible human way for that many people to finding other people who like them and taking their relationship all the way to marriage. I'm open to other suggestions if anyone can top my brilliance of deduction.

Besides, haven't you noticed that married people are so weird.

Throwing down the gauntlet

I make an official challenge to all. I will get a cell phone if anyone can come up with a non-rebuttable good reason why should get one.

Edward Scissorhands

Since Bryant has opened up the subject of deep meanings of Tim Burton movies, I just wanted to throw in my two-cents about Edward Scissorhands. This movie means to me that there will always be some people who will have to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Deep Dark Suspicions

I have recently come to the realization that I have been roommates with both a spy and a vampire.

The spy was my old roommate, Clark Gunnerson (if that is even his real name). I believe he was actually an Israeli spy who's mission was to ascertain BYU's intentions with the Jerusalem Center. He masked his identity by pretending to learn Hebrew (a likely story), but his pro-Israel stance on all Middle East issues gave him away. When he graduated from BYU and could no longer spy there, he married an ex-KGB provocatuer and worked at the University of Utah to get closer to church HQ (his next assignment). Now he has gone back to his homeland to institute the "Gunner Plan."

The vampire was Brant Stewart, whom many of you know but didn't realize his true nature. My evidence is that I never saw him during the day. He would be gone in the morning before I woke up (supposedly to "Volleyball practice"), and he wouldn't get home until I was asleep. Chances are he was using the night to prey on my blood every night while I slept, a little at a time. I always wondered where I got those scars on my neck. Also, he spent a substantial amount of time in Transylvania, which everyone knows is the home of Dracula. My belief is that he did not move to Washington D.C, but he moved to Alaska, where it's night time for 6 straight months.

Bottom 10

Ten things I hate.

1. Turning the light on when I wake up.
2. People talking to me when I've just woken up.
3. Going to sleep when I'm hot.
4. When I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
5. When I wake up in the middle of the night and my pillow is on the floor.
6. Getting up to turn the light off so I can sleep after I've been reading in my bed (I've tried to use the "force" to turn the light off in this situation more times than I can count).
7. Having to change my early morning routine because of someone else.
8. When I get in the car with the person I carpool with and the radio is on too loud.
9. When I get in the car with the person I carpool with and he talks to me too much.
10. Clutter.

Top 5

Partly in response to an email, and partly cause I was going to anyway, I give unto you my top five movie list.

1. Cast Away
2. Lord of the Rings
3. Bridge Over the River Kwai
4. Rocky I
5. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

I also have included my top five comedy list because I think of it as a separate category.

1. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
2. Airplane
3. Any movie with Willy Wonka in it
4. School of Rock
5. All movies are excluded that starred a member of Saturday Night Live from the past 15 years

This list changes all the time, but this is what I came up with after midnight. The really tough list would be my top five book list.

So Long and Thanks For All the Fish

My semester ends in exactly one week and then finals start. I just want to say good-bye to all my friends. I'll still try to keep in contact as much as I can so don't hate me if I don't respond in a timely manner. Some of you may hate me anyway, but I probably deserve it for some reason.

Have it Your Way

Have you seen this face? This is the infamous (or in 'n famous) "The King" from the latest Burger King commercials. In one commercial, some dude wakes up, looks over, and The King is in bed with him offering him a breakfast sandwich. In another, some guy wakes up and when he opens his blinds, The King is just standing outside his window ready to offer him a breakfast sandwich. Many have commented that The King is scary, but I say he's creepy/cool (an alternative kind of cool). I could think of nothing better than to "Wake up to The King" handing me a breakfast sandwich loaded with all the fixins. I mean, seriously, could you say no to a face like that?

Collapse

Look at me. I used to be such a cute little guy. The next 20-something years sure took their toll.

That Guy

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought-
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Sign-Up

Since I'm going to be in Utah for a week, this post is my sign up sheet for people to cook for me and give me a place to live. Just comment about which meal and which day you will feed me. I also need people to sign up for somewhere for me to sleep every night as well as a chauffeur for each day.

Playoff Hopes

I happen to believe that baseball is the greatest sport ever invented. I realize there are many people who disagree with me and that's just fine. This time of year is always both good and bad. It's playoff time. As most know, my favorite team since I've actually consciously watched baseball has been the Braves. For the last 15 years, the Atlanta Braves have been the most consistently good team in baseball. They haven't missed the playoffs since 1990. This gives me a lot of satisfaction and happiness. However, right around this time of year is when the Braves lose in the first round of the playoffs. It happens more years than not. This has been a source of utter consternation for the last several years. This year, I got on espn.com and saw that 11 out of their 12 analysts had picked the Braves to lose once again in the first round to the Astros, who beat the Braves last year in the first round. Well, this year I think is going to be different. My predictions are:

First Round
Braves in 5
Cardinals in 4
Yankees in 4
White Sox in 5

Second Round
Cardinals in 6
Yankees in 7

World Series
Cardinals in 5

I realize that I didn't pick the Braves to get past the Cards, but I just don't think the Braves have it in them this year. It's a bit of a "rebuilding year" if that's possible for a team that just won a difficult division. The Braves have a lot of young talent which will take a little more time before I believe they are World Series ready.

Posthumous popularity

Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickenson, Ronnie Steelman.

You may wonder what in the world I have in common with any of those other two people. Do I act mildly to moderately psychotic while engaging in artistic endeavors? No...well at least I hope not. Actually, the main characteristic that those three names have in common is that they all became posthumously popular...and in my case, by posthumous, I mean postleavingprovo-ous.
I have never considered myself a popular guy. At law school, on the popularity scale from 1-10, I'd seriously give myself a -3. I'm sure people make fun of me behind my back. Anyway, I had some good friends in Provo, but all of a sudden, I leave and my gmail inbox is constantly full all the time. Not that I'm complaining. Since I have no friends, I consider reading and writing emails as my main social activity. Sometimes I'll spend a couple hours a day just with email. I don't think it's a waste of time because I'm just doing it during the times when anyone else would be actually talking to a roommate or visiting a friend. Well, my point is...actually I don't know what my point is. I guess I'm just happy to have such great friends to email and now to G-talk to.

Relativity is bunk

I am now a disciple of Superstring Theory.

Nickname

I wish I had a cool nickname that started with the word "The" like "The professor" or "The preacher" or "The postman". It doesn't even have to start with the letter "p" like all my examples. Does anybody have any ideas?

It's Official

The ghost of Abraham O. Smoot that has haunted VP 11 in the past, for some inexplicable reason has decided to follow me down to Louisiana. I have had two encounters during the past week.

1) Last week in the library, twice I put something in my bag only to look up and immediately see that the item had been taken out of my bag.

2) I heard wailing in my house Sunday morning when I was all by myself (There was no wind).

Physical Challenge

I offer $100 to the first person to complete the physical challenge from the 2nd to 1st floor ($150 for 3rd to 2nd floor). The only caveats are that there must be two witnesses and a video recording sent to me.

Gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Done

My first week of law school is over and, boy, was it a long week. In fact, I'm so tired that I don't even feel like writing anymore about it.

Brand Loyal

I've kind of always been a brand loyal guy. I figure if someone makes a product and I like it, I owe them something. Well, on my recent trip home, I found some more brands to support.
1) Super 8 Motel: The room in Colby, Kansas was huge and still way cheaper than the other hotels. The one in Longview, Texas had a microwave and a fridge. I had no need of these appliances, but I felt special in knowing that I had them.
2) (This isn't exactly a brand) ALICE 105.9 in Denver. They got me through a 2 hour traffic jam in the mountains west of Denver when there were only two stations I could even receive (the other was in Spanish). How come no one from Denver ever told me about this station? Can I listen over the internet?
3) Coke...Oh wait, I was already addicted to that from Atlanta.

Atlanta vs. The Grid System

I discovered a new reason why I'm so scared to leave Utah. I don't know if I'll be able to handle life outside of the street grid system. Like many new students in Provo, at first I hated it, I thought it reeked of boredom. After getting used to it however, I found it to be a very practical tool. Where else can you just give someone your address and they automatically can find your house without any further directions?
Well, on our recent excursion to Atlanta I was reminded again of how cool the grid system is. Several times, we would have the address of where we wanted to go and a map and we still couldn't find it. It didn't help that in Atlanta, you can ask 5 different people the way to get to a restaurant 3 blocks away and you will get 5 completely different sets of directions; some will get you there and some will lead you so deep into the ghetto that you'll be scared to slow down enough to turn around. Also Atlantians (not to be confused with people from Atlantis) or A-T-L-ians, as I prefer to call them, have a somewhat skewed interpretation of the whole left-right-straight system of giving directions. Apparently, sometimes "go right" means go right. But sometimes "go right" means to go left or to turn completely around with a slight course deviation. Maybe they just saw we were tourists and wanted to have some fun. And if you're wondering why they just don't say North or South or East or West, you need to realize that you can't tell those directions in the South because everything is flat so going North looks exactly the same as going South-Southwest. Anyway, these address problems, although slightly annoying did seem to make the trip a little funnier. But I'm still scared to go back to Louisiana, the only state that has even more messed up streets. I'll have to blog about that later.

Innocence Lost

There are several times in our lives when our eyes are opened to the world a little faster than we are ready for. We learn things that all of a sudden make the world a much meaner, colder, and scary place. We feel a little bit more vulnerable. A few examples from my life are when I learned that there was no Santa, when I watched that gross video in 7th grade Health Class called "The Miracle of Life" (because of which I decided to never be in the delivery room when my wife has a baby), and when I went on my first date.
Recently, I learned something that most people probably already knew, but I just hadn't thought about it. I discovered this dark secret during my daily perusal of CNN.com and saw an article about the passage of a bill that would lengthen Daylight Savings by one month. Now, I had always been under the impression that Daylight Savings was a matter of scientific fact, a Law if you will. I was just so shocked that Congress could just change it at their whim. And the reason for this change was just to save energy. Like I said, this probably wasn't a shock to anyone else, but I'm scared to think of where Congress will stop now that I know they have these broad powers. Maybe they'll have two Christmas's to boost the economy in the summer and the winter. Or maybe they'll make Saturday disappear. To what ends could they go? Why didn't anyone try to stop them from changing Daylight Savings? I'm feeling scared... and alone...

Easter Comes Earlier Every Year

Yesterday I went to the mall with Jason in hopes of getting a shirt or two since I hate all my clothes and I'm tired of wearing the same six or seven shirts I own every week again and again. The only variety I have is that I can sometimes switch up the order. Anyway, we went to the mall and I came away empty handed (This has happened now the last three times I've been to the mall). I just cannot stand the current styles in mens fashion. I would think that I'm just old, but I don't think I ever see anyone wearing any of these clothes either. The two biggest problems I saw were that either the sleeves were too short or they came in Easter colors. I felt like I was in Willy Wonka's factory with all the crazy colors that abounded. I mean, who wears a neon light blue shirt with pink stripes? So, I guess my question is, am I the only person who can't find mens clothes or am I just a fashion dud?

Late Night Visions of Perfection

Last night, I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep at all. I think I was having a dream about dating because my mind was harrowed up by what felt like an eternal torment on that very subject. I laid in my bed, in a feverish haze, (after I had gotten out of bed briefly to relieve myself) thinking of the futility of my efforts and also how petty all the games and stupid things about dating are. I began to feel that I could rise above all the silliness and pettiness. I began to get grand ideas about how I would change and become a new man. At around 5:40 a.m., probably due to the excess strain on my mind, I returned to my slumber. Upon awaking, I could not remember any of my "grand ideas" from the previous night. Not a thing. Now I know why Moroni had to come four times. I guess I'll just have to keep living my unenlightened lifestyle for a little bit longer.

Quirkyalone

Is this me?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quirkyalone

The Most Profound Statement Ever

Ha, Ha, made you look!

Marry Me?

So, I have a theory that it becomes exponentially more difficult to get married the older you get and I think I know why. I believe that marriage has a moderating effect on both parties involved. From my own experience, I know how out of control men can get when left with each other. Women seem to have some power that makes the men who like them not want to put a cherry bomb in the mail box or shoot guns at trains as they go by (I've done the last one). I don't exactly know where this calming influence comes from, but I do believe it's usually there.

However, both sexes, without this moderating effect, become increasingly eccentric. By that word, I mean that they become too stuck in their weird personal habits that they've never had to change because of someone else. For example: I have a name for the jug of water I drink from. By itself that is just a harmless and endearing quirk. However you add a hundred other weird quirks to that and the opposite sex gets scared of you. The longer you live without marriage, the more of these "quirks" or "eccentricities" become ingrained in your life and the less appeal you have to others. I don't know if I've explained this good enough. It's just a thought I've had for a while.

OK, I'll Post Already!

Right now, my biggest obstacle is to get some priorities in my life. I've come to enjoy the life of the full time job with no school. It makes for a much more stress free life as long as you can leave your work behind you when you leave the office. However, this freedom creates a much bigger problem than most people would imagine. My life has had no purpose since I have left the life of school with its constant deadlines and such. I come home from work, and have nothing that needs to get done. For example, yesterday I came home and promptly played 2 straight hours of X-Box and then I just wandered around to various apartments the rest of the night. I didn't do anything to progress any aspect of my life, and isn't that what we're supposed to be doing with our lives? What can I do to gain purpose?

What's in a Name?

I have a feeling that this generation just doesn't have enough respect for people in positions of authority. This whole rebelliousness probably began in the '60s and has snowballed into the problem it is today. Take me for example. I'm a freakin' NOTARY PUBLIC, man!!! Just me saying that should make you bow, or quake, or at least "honk your horn if you see this sign." But nooooooooo, I don't get a lick of respect. I get Nothin'. If anyone had any idea of the power I have... Let me just give you a little glimpse of my far-reaching powers. If you sign a document, then I can say that it was actually you who did sign it, and not some phony pretending to be you. All I have to do is affix my trusty Official Notary Stamp (complete with the official Seal of Utah) and - VOILA - it's legit. You can take it to Court, but you can't take it to the bank, baby (if you know what I mean). Anyway, I am all-powerful.

Sickness

I recall that Elder Maxwell and Elder Hales have both previously talked in General Conference about pain and sickness and how it makes you better and more spiritual and stuff. I've been sick this week with just a little cold (not even close to cancer or heart surgery) and I'm pretty sure that I decline spiritually when I'm sick. I don't feel like reading scriptures or even being nice to people.

Lent

I've finally decided what I will give up for Lent, a Catholic holiday where you "give something up" for 40 days - a quasi fast. Lately, I've spent a lot of time mindlessly watching TV just because I didn't feel like doing anything productive. So, I'm going to give up TV. There have to be ground rules of course. I can watch DVD's. I can also watch anything extraordinary, e.g. State of the Union address, something a roommate really wants me to see, etc. The 21st of March will be the next time I turn on a television set.

Best Friends?

Last week, I asked a girl who had previously only been a good acquaintance to be my best friend and she said yes. Realizing that I knew virtually nothing about her, I wrote out a questionnaire to learn lots of intricate details of her life; you know, stuff it usually takes years to learn. She filled it out and I plan to fill one out for her also. I made cookies for her yesterday and plan to invite her to dinner on Wednesday. Now, the question I propose follows: Is this actually possible to become automatic best friends? Will it work out or will or best friendship fizzle out like a day old Cherry Coke?

YAHTZEE!!!

The saddest part of my life right now is that I don't think I can make decisions for myself anymore. I am so puscillanimous that I just let yahtzee dice choose everything for me. For example, if I'm thinking about asking a girl out on a date, I roll the yahtzee dice. If I can get a yahtzee after 3 rolls, I ask her out; if not, then I don't have to. It's gotten to the point that I ask yahtzee what I will eat that day, what I will do, etc. The whole thing is scripturally based of course. Nephi and his bros cast lots. They even cast lots to find the apostle to replace Judas Iscariot. So, if I get a Yahtzee, then I'll post this blog...

Long Time

It's been a long time since I've posted because my bosses have had the nerve to give me a lot of work to do the past two weeks. My life has pretty much consisted of law school applications for the past forever. It's so easy to put things off and be anti-social under the "I can't because I have to finish my applications" excuse. This week, however, that excuse will be gone and I'll have to bust out the "I can't because I hate you" excuse, or the "I would hang out with you if you weren't so boring." I'm going to miss law applications.