Halloween Candy

This was the first Halloween that I lived in a house where the potential existed for trick-or-treaters to come by. I was pretty excited and during the day I bought 90 fun size candybars in various flavors to pass out. However, as night approached, that candy started looking better and better, and I did something despicable. I didn't ever turn on the light outside our house, which as any good trick-or-treater knows, means not to knock on the door. I did this so I could have all that candy to myself. Now I feel horrible (not to mention fat). I need to figure out something to do as penitence. Maybe I'll eat all 90 candy bars at once so that I never want to eat another one again. That might teach me a lesson (or else make me die of heart disease). In other news, please leave a comment about what is the best candy bar and why. My two votes are for the Smores bar and the Take 5. But I would definitely give a lifetime achievement award to the Snickers Bar.

Secret Shame?

In the 90's, there was a commercial starring a NFL player named Craig "Ironhead" Heyward, who said that it's ok for men to use body wash. Ever since that commercial, I have used body wash in the shower without questioning my masculinity one bit. However, even today, an attitude persists that only girls can use body wash. I just want to reaffirm that it's not girly to use body wash. If a tough guy named "Ironhead" can use it, then why can't a tough guy named "Steelman."
Furthermore, there are some products that have different names depending on which sex is using it. For example, men wear shirts while women wear blouses. Women wear bras and men wear bros. Women use purses and men...well, men should not use purses under any circumstances. The point is that, in the shower, women use a loofah but men use a sponge. Men do not use loofahs. That would be like a man saying he wears a blouse. In conclusion, I'm not ashamed, but proud to use body wash with my sponge.

My Pride

I've always hated being wrong. Sometimes, when someone tells me that I'm wrong about something, I will argue that I'm right even though in my heart of hearts I know that I'm wrong. I just can't stand admitting my errors to other people. Well, I might have learned my lesson last week.

There is a TV commercial for cars.com in which a car changes colors everytime a gardener gets close to it because someone is inside clicking through car choices on cars.com. Anyway, I first saw this commercial and thought the actor playing the gardener was the actor, Harland Williams, from the movie, Rocketman. My roommate, however, thought that it was an actor named Kevin West, who had been in the movie, Bio-Dome. Our argument became so intense that we decided to put something on the line. By this time, I knew I was absolutely wrong but I couldn't admit it to myself or to my roommates. We put a half pound of Albertson's Chicken Strips on the line, but later that night, we upped the ante to include that the loser would have to climb the 20 foot rope swing in our backyard while stark naked. Needless to say, I emailed cars.com who informed me that I was wrong. So this week I will be climbing a rope naked as a jaybird. I'll publish the pictures in my next blog post.

White Bored

So, I was hanging out at Target today. I chose Target because Wal-mart is too crowded and dirty and because apparently I'm a mall rat so I'm trying to cut back on my mall attendance. Anyway, that's not the point. While I was wandering around one of my favorite sections, the Office/School Supplies section, I came across a small white board that I thought would be so helpful to have hanging in my room. Upon getting home and unwrapping it, I realized I had no idea what I could ever use the white board for. It seemed so practical at Super Target, but once I got it home I could see that I had been tricked by the little Target Gnomes that whisper in your ear how much you need a certain item until you buy it. So now I have a new white board and i don't know what I can use it for. Does anyone have any suggestions?

"Secret" Poem

25 soldiers marching in pairs.

Marching with pretty bows in their hairs;
onto the field with the sun all aglow,
nothing at all like GI Joe;
they stop for a drink at the well on the knoll,
hoping they don't fall into the hole,
still wondering who in their group is the mole.

Like a Banshee

Tonight I decided that the coolest thing to say after anything is "like a banshee." I didn't invent this phrase but I'm taking it over as my own. For example, you go up to someone and say "It's hot like a banshee," or "I'm going to blog like a banshee." Really I have no idea what banshees are apart from their role in Darby O'Gill and the Little People but now I love banshees like a banshee.

A Shell of My Former Self

Well, it's now July 13 and this is all I have left of my Easter candy. And believe me, I've been eating candy every day since Easter. I think I might shed a tear or two as I bite into my last, luscious, sugary Cadbury Cream Egg, but I will be consoled by the fact that Easter is only 8 months away and now I have a better idea of how much candy I'll have to buy to make it through the entire next year with candy.

Ch-ch-ch-chia!!!

I don't have anything to blog about. However, in the spirit of bloginess (blogitude? blogilarity?) I am merely blogging about an idea for a future blog that I had today. Ok. So, my plan is to buy a chia pet off the internet...


...and then shave my face at the same time as I prepare the chia pet and then see which grows faster, my facial hair or the chia pet. I would keep an ongoing blog with comparative pictures. So, yeah...that's what I've got.

Now I'm Really Mad

In case you haven't heard the latest news, 3 people including one top executive were arrested for trying to steal the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Thankfully they were caught before any severe damage was done. If ever the death penalty was in needed...

In a happier side story, the way Coke found out that their secrets had been stolen was that Pepsi alerted them after having been approached by the criminals who were trying to sell them the secret. I have gained a little more respect for Pepsi after hearing that, even though I wouldn't be surprised if Pepsi came out with a new cola product in the next few months.


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/05/AR2006070501142.html

Back to the Blogging Blasics

I haven't blogged in a long, long, long, time. Many of my loyal fans have even commented to me on the fact that they miss my blogs. For the past few days I've been trying to think of something to blog about but have drawn a blank. I think that's because it's been so long that I just need to get back to my roots and start from the beginning. By that I mean I need to write a "My First Blog Post" to get back on track...Mack.

Everyone knows that there are essential ingredients to every first blog post. I've done extensive research on ProvoPlatinum to find the common threads. For example, every first post contains:
Obligatory apology for not being good since it's the first post
Must start by saying "This is my first post"
Possibly you tell everyone your name (as if anyone who's reading it doesn't know already)
Something to the effect of "I hope this works"
A shout-out to your blogging guru (aka the person who introduced you to blogging)

Of course sometimes you come across something random for a first post. Bryant's first post says "Hi are you. I'm building a web page." I'm not sure, but I think that's my favorite first post ever. I was going to actually write a "first post" but now I'm bored so I'm done. Maybe I've just lost the blogging gift.

I'm such a loser

Last night I watched as one of my favorite magicians/illusionists/artists/wackos of all time attempted a stunt that no one ever would have thought possible. David Blaine has made his living testing his endurance with tasks that only crazy people would attempt. Last night he attempted to hold his breath for nine minutes while shackled underwater after he had already been underwater for seven days. He only made it a little over 7 minutes before he had to be rescued. Now, my point is not to talk about how crazy David Blaine is or why he does the things he does, but to analyze whether or not he is a failure.
There appears to be a fine line between being a success and a failure. Sometimes, success slips from our grasp through our own inadvertence or laziness. Sometimes it eludes us because of factors beyond our power. These moments happen to all of us throughout our lives. For whatever reason, sometimes we slide to the wrong side of that fine line. When that happens, the world calls us failures. Look at Bode, Miller, the skier. Coming in as the top skier in the world, he was expected to win multiple gold medals and ended up getting none. He was labeled as a failure and ridiculed by the media even though he constantly explained that he had done his best and that was what was important to him.
I don't honestly consider myself to be a lazy person even though to some it may appear that way. In truth, I have a fear of committing myself to do something and then failing. For that reason, I don't always put all the effort I can into my tasks because then I can justify my failure to myself. However, David Blaine has inspired me to take more risks and to not be so afraid of failure. I haven't heard any post-event interviews with David, but my guess is that he is proud of his failure because he gave it his best shot and stretched himself to the limit. In conclusion, from now on, my heros in life will be losers - the guys who aren't too afraid to take the last shot in a basketball game but end up missing it, the David Blaines of the world. This post is entirely too long so I don't expect anyone to actually read it.

Easter Psycho

Monday morning I woke up early and headed out to a few large supermarkets where I bought $20 of discount leftover Easter candy. I've always had a love for Cadbury Cream Eggs and have never understood why they don't sell those things all year long. I bought 15 of them on Monday in addition to my other chocolate booty.

Anyway, in the course of eating my second chocolate Easter Bunny this week (and by that I mean this day) I realized that I always feel compeled to eat the head first. In fact, I get some sort of twisted satisfaction out of biting off the bunny's head. I'm kind of worried that one day I'll have a child (I realize that's quite a presumption) with a pet bunny and I'll bite its head off (the bunny's, not my child's). Should I be seeking professional help?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

As many of you know, for Lent I gave up going out to eat. I've been pretty faithful for the past several weeks. However, tonight, I just couldn't help myself. I went to Wendy's by myself and with a full concsious appreciation of my actions, a mere 1 1/2 weeks from the end of Lent. My major question is, since I broke a rule of Catholocism, do I have to confess to a Catholic priest? I've always wanted to go into one of those little booths where you can't see the priest and you confess to him. As a side note, if I was going to cheat with anybody, it was going to be with the only one who's been there for me, through thick and thin, through good times and bad...Wendy's. Sonic came in a close second. Actually, I would have gone there if it had been closer...really I just used Wendy's for its convenience.

Knight Rider

I just watched an old episode of Knight Rider and I had forgotten just how utterly awesome that show is. It's so cool that I've spent the last 40 minutes just reminiscing on how totally awesome it was. I also found out that they are making a Knight Rider movie soon with David Hasselhoff (the greatest actor of all time) reprising his familiar role of Michael Knight and will be training his successor as part of the movie plot. Hopefully his successor will be Vin Diesel, even though the pure awesomeness of this might be so much that my head would instantaneously explode.

Lauren Appreciation Week

I have received a request to make it Lauren Appreciation Week....so...Lauren, we salute you. Really, who is Lauren, what makes her tick? I honestly don't have any idea but maybe you do. Let's hear some testimonials:

"I weep for joy everytime Lauren comes home!"
Marissa Dorny
"I have a secret crush on her!"
Bryant Casteel
"I hate it when Lauren uses my detergent!"
April Conkey
"I have memorized her entire schedule!"
That creepy guy in the library

Please feel free to post your own testimonials.

Word Verification

The current bane of my existence would have to be the word verification test that some people have set up in order to post on their blogs. Several months ago, there erupted a rash of "post spam" which made it necessary enable the word verification requirement. However, that threat has long since subsided. The thing I hate most about the word verification thing is that my WVCIP (Word Verification Correct Input Percentage) hovers somewhere around 45%. I seriously get it wrong somehow more than I get it right. Partly this is because the letters are sometimes blended together so tightly that you can't tell one from the other. Sometimes I carefully enter the code only to be denied. I believe that this is because Blogger likes to "keep it real." Well, my plea today would be that everyone go into their options and turn off word verification. I've tried to hold this post in long enough but I can't do it anymore.

Saying that something is the new awesome is the new awesome

I don't know who that person is but my current favorite phrase is now to call anything that's cool, "the new awesome." Unfortunately I don't have any friends, so I just say it to myself.

Unavailable

For the next week, I will be working on my appellate brief which is due on Monday. I have a ton of work on it so please excuse me if my responses to any emails are laconic. Actually, I'm going to be pretty busy for the rest of the semester. I promise to make up the difference during my break before Summer term starts. As a side note, I hate my life right now.

Lost Love

I feel a burning urge to write this post even though it might go against my better judgment. You see, I might have recently made the worst decision of my life concerning a very special someone. And now, I fear there may be no going back. My relationship with the love of my life started last year while I was still in Utah. It started as being just an acquaintance but soon I was seeing my love almost everyday. I couldn't get enough of her. When I wasn't with her, I was thinking of her. When I was with her, I was the happiest man on earth. When I moved to Louisiana, I lost contact. The time between correspondence grew longer and longer and I began to forget the good times we'd had together. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to find out just what my love meant to me. So I commenced a fast of sorts where I cut off all contact for a month or two. During this time, I have come to the realization of the horrible thing I've done. It's been said that you can't realize how much you care about someone till they're gone. Now I completely understand. You may be wondering who this person is. Well, it's not exactly a person. It's a fast food restaurant...Wendy's. For lent, I gave up going out to eat. It's been difficult, but I promise to make it up to Wendy's after 40 days. Maybe I'll go on a streak where I eat at Wendy's every day for the 40 days after lent is over.

Russ Appreciation Week

I would just like to announce to the world that this is Russ Appreciation Week. Russ has earned this dubious honor by interviewing for a job on the cutting edge of the educational world and blowing the minds of his interviewers so much that they offered him the job the very next day even though there were still other people that they were supposed to be interviewing. They even asked him to help design the curriculum for the class. I can think of no one in the entire universe who is more worthy of having their own week (or maybe two weeks) than our very own Russ Andrews. (Soon to me Mr. Andrews.) If you see him, shake his hand and tell him how much you wish you were like him.

The only thing that stays the same...

Time Marches On
Tracy Lawrence

Sister cries out, from her baby bed.
Brother runs in with feathers on his head.
Mama's in her room learnin how to sew.
Daddy's drinkin beer listenen to the radio.
Hank Williams sings Kaw-Liga and Dear John
Time marches on, time marches on.

Sister's using rouge and clear complection soap.
Brother's wearin beads and he smokes alot of dope.
Mama is depressed barely makes a sound.
Daddy's got a girlfriend in another town.
Bob Dylan sings like a Rolling Stone.
Time marches on, time marches on.

South moves north, North moves south
A star is born, a star burns out.
the only thing that stays the same is everything
changes, everything changes.

Sister calls herself a sexy grandma.
Brother's on a diet for high cholesterol.
Mama's out of touch with reality.
Daddy's in the ground beneath the maple tree.
As the Angles sing an old Hank Williams song.
Time marches on, time marches on. Time marches on, time
marches on. Time marches on. Time marches on.

Waffle House

I've finally done it. This morning I went to the Waffle House for breakfast. I got a Pecan Waffle and Hashbrowns - Scattered, Smothered, and Covered. This basically is interpreted to mean that there are onions in them and they microwave a Kraft Single on top. I'd give my experience a B+ since the 45 year old waitress told me I smelled good.

It's Official

I just wanted to give an update on yesterday's groundhog activity. America's most famous groundhog, Punxutawney Phil, predicted six more weeks of winter. But before you get too depressed, a lesser known groundhog from Georgia, General Beauregard Lee (picture included), predicted an early spring. In fact, The General has been far more accurate in his predictions over the years than Punxutawney has, so my guess would be for an early spring.

As a side note, you may be wondering what General Beauregard Lee eats to keep his fur coat nice and shiny. The Atlanta-Journal Constitution reports that the Waffle House dontated a meal of hashbrowns - scattered, smothered, and covered - for The General. Apparently, he eats better than me.

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/0202genbeau.html

Paul Appreciation Week

Paul Smart made me an offer I couldn't refuse for me to make it his week. Many of you don't know Paul and for that you should be ashamed of yourselves. I've slept in the same bed as Paul and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone must now write their favorite memories of Paul, even if you've never met him.

Belly Button Lint

This is just one of those great mysteries of life. I've never really had a belly button lint problem. I've only had it a few times in my life. However, I once had a roommate, who shall go unnamed, who had to pick a big nugget of lint out of his belly button about twice a day. But where does it come from? The prevailing theory is that it comes from rubbing fuzz off the inside of your shirt. But if that's the case, why doesn't everyone get it? There are all kinds of other variables that must come into play like the amount your stomach sticks out, chest hair, fabric of the shirt, etc., but it still makes no sense. Can anyone answer this vexing question? My own belief is that there is a lint monster who, tooth fairy-esque, goes around and puts lint in the belly buttons of bad boys and girls.

Bryant Appreciation Week

Bryant gave me the most money, so he has earned the right to be appreciated this week. His donation of $.05 has been deposited into my offshore bank account in the Virgin Islands specifically created as the "Appreciation Week Account."
It is fitting that Bryant has decided to express his feelings more to others last week so let's do the same for him. (Except in my case, because I don't have any feelings) So everyone must start their comments to my post with these words, "I love Bryant because..." and then you may fill in the blank. The only rule is that you must use the word "love" or your post will be baleeted.
Have a Happy BAW.

Stefani Appreciation Week

This week we have the honor of honoring one of our favorite people, Stefani Ward. She will be the first in a series of many who we will have a chance to extol. What do you do for someone during their Appreciation Week? I don't know. I don't have all the answers, I just supply the questions. I suggest that everyone comments on this post their pledges of what they will do to outwardly show Stefani their appreciation. But Stefani Appreciation Week can be a time for individual reflection and inner-stuff too. Also, whoever sends me the most money will have the honor of Appreciation Week next week.

WARNING: Naked Pictures of Me

I can't believe you clicked on this link! You should be ashamed!

First Annual COY Awards

AND THE COY AWARD GOES TO:

For best imitation of COY - DeCOY
For most wanted precious antibodies - Kim Stobel
For best blog post about COY - Aaron Roundy "Precioius Antibodies"
For most egregious act of disdain against COY - Ronnie Steelman (for leaving it at someone elses house for a week)
For most whole-hearted appreciation of COY - Bryant Casteel/Trevor
Lifetime achievement award - Orum Young (for inadvertently inventing COY)

To Stobel

This is a picture of a tapeworm. Normally, these are found in dogs or swine, but occasionally they may be found in humans, especially in third world countries. The amazing thing about them is that they grow in your intestine to become up to 12 meters long. The reason that I tell you this is that our friend Kim has a parasite (probably not this one because this one's not transmitted through bad drinking water) and I want to be the first to name him. I hereby dub Kim's parasite, Walter...Walter the Worm. Kim, I hope that you and Walter can have many years of happiness together and that you can have a truly symbiotic relationship with him and all of his children and grandchildren.